Dear Anxiety,

Anxiety. It crawls on my skin and flows through my blood, invisible as though a disease. I feel it there, on my arms, in the tips of my fingers, running down into the pit of my stomach. It is physical, afflicting flesh, eating away at it. The feeling isn’t new. It isn’t an old friend.  It is sickeningly familiar.

The pain licks at me, at my skin. It beckons me with its burning flames- little whispers:

            “Live in me. You can’t break free from me. I live on you and in you, attached to your body, feeding on your life like a parasite. I encapsulate you. For where can you go without your body? I tell you who you are, because I. Am. You. When you run, I will follow. You feel it now, the fear being born within, blooming and growing like a beautiful weed, its’ unseen thorns tearing into you, weaving around your heart, choking the life you must give to me. Why fight when I have you ever so tightly? You squirm and I silence. You. Are. Me.”

I smile. I do feel him, pressing on my flesh, speaking to my mind, the weakness trying to cripple my thoughts, trying to paralyze my bones.

And I say, take it. Take my flesh. Take my dignity. Take my pride. Break me- I dare you. I challenge you to trap me. You can make me feel any way you damn well want. For what is my flesh but mortal? You cannot have my soul. I gave it to another a long time ago. What am I underneath skin and bone and thought? What I am when I am nothing?

            I am the beloved creation of the One True King. And you cannot touch me. Take away my worldly security. Take away my comfort. Take away my knowledge. I hear your voice- it sounds like screaming to my ears. I hear what you tell me I am you filthy liar. But heaven knows me by another name. I hear it, whispered into my soul, a place you cannot enter: “Joy”

And the truth consumes me, a holy fire burning away the lies, cutting through the weeds and thorns, refining like silver all that you have tried to corrupt. And when everything falls apart, He stands. And when He stands, you flee. How dare you try to defile the masterpiece of your God? And He is your God, your Destroyer; your Nightmare. His wrath and jealousy for what you have stolen will be avenged, will be redeemed. His very breath, very whisper wipes away your power. And the very hand that created will destroy. And that very same hand will brush away every tear. It is the hands that hold the world in place, that carry the broken people who believed in fear.

I take refuge in Him and Him alone. Take away everything, because you cannot touch my eternal position in the Lord. He is Everything. All I will ever need. And after I have suffered a little while, after I have learned how to fall madly in love with my Healer, I will receive my God. I will take ahold of that to which He has called me.

And right now, I choose Joy. I choose Love. I choose Life. I choose Freedom. What power have you in comparison to my Jesus? I will stand, not under your vicious lies, but under Grace. I will sing with Joy for my soul is safe and saved and my King is good. He is glorious. I will dance and laugh and play, for I am His child. And I will cry and I will break, but the Father holds me through it all and He will remember my Faith and my pain.

So Anxiety; Fear; Pride- you will pay. My God stands firm, a Rock in the storm. He is not on the surface, on my flesh. He is not my feelings. Like you, He is unseen, because He lives within my very Being, an anchor to my soul. As He died, I die. And as He lives in me, I live. 

Without Him, I am as you say; nothing. But Truth says something else. With Him, I am a heir of Heaven. With Him, in Him, through Him, I am Joy. What can stand against? When you work in my life, you are foolish. Because, when everything falls apart, my God stands and I know Him. I know His voice, His truth, and I know that I will never know it all. Anxiety, when you work, I know Him more. I am Joy- His Joy. I am not a feeling or a circumstance. I am a Believer and more so, a Follower of Truth.  I am a Daughter of the Great I Am.
So Anxiety, fuck you.

The Middle

     I know I can probably overwhelm social media with mostly things about my faith, but I'm having a moment right now. 

     People who claim to know Christ always talk about this moment, this moment where they chose to believe it all, this moment where they chose Him. I never felt like I had that. I never felt like I was able to choose to believe that I have a God who created me. But I do get to choose to believe that He loves me. And I do get to choose Him. I can't choose to believe in Him, not anymore. I would be lying to myself and to truth if I said that. But I do get to choose to follow Him. It's Him or the world. There is no room for middle ground. I don't get to choose to follow Him on Sundays or when I'm happy or sad or when I need something, and then turn around and go and have an affair with a world that promises instant gratification and temporary happiness. That's not choosing my God. That's choosing cowardice, too afraid to give it all, to afraid to embrace an unknown freedom, to afraid that it won't be worth it. 

     We live in a world addicted to The Middle. We live in a time and a place that says we can have it all. We live in culture afraid to be decisive, which really means afraid to be wrong in the midst of the unknown mysteries that we all must face. So we are drawn to The Middle, to attempting to uphold our worldly existence while acknowledging some sense of Spirit. The Middle is a dangerous place to get stuck in. It is a state of comfort for those afraid of commitment. The problem is, at the end of it all, The Middle doesn't truly exist. It is a space we have created to make sense of our choices, our desires, our lives. But that's just it- empty space.

     I turn my back on the only God who has ever loved me and the only love that has ever mattered.  We say grace is this free gift. But, I don't think that gives the right impression. We cannot earn grace. We cannot buy it with good deeds or sacrifices or possessions or even our lives. We weren't enough to purchase Grace. We needed a perfect sacrifice, somebody who was worth it to pay the price, somebody who the world couldn't touch and taint with it's brokenness and lies.  In that sense, I suppose it is free. But, I think a more accurate description is that Grace is a gift of Freedom. And if you accept it, it will cost you everything. 

     I'm still learning how to give up my love affair with the world. I'm still learning how to resist The Middle, but I want Jesus to have it all, because I don't want to look in the face of my Savior at the end of my life, of the Jesus who hung on tree who was beaten and bloodied and insulted in my place, I don't want to look in that man's eyes and say with deeds and actions that He wasn't worth it to me. I want to collapse in His arms, into His being and give it all. I don't have much, but I want it all to be His.

Every Last Piece

Sometimes, I just feel sad inside. There's not always a clear explanation. But normally it seems to happen when my own brokenness as well as everything I see just seems to become too much. I close my eyes, and I feel like I can see it- all the pain, all the anger, all the confusion, the regret, the emptiness. I taste the bitterness of the world. I feel the disease of humanity run through my veins, down my arms and into my fingertips, through my heart, infiltrating my thoughts, my life. And it hurts. A great sorrow that makes my soul weep and cry and wail. I see the hurt, the confusion, the influence of society imposed on my precious friends that I love so much, on the little children I am constantly around every day, on my community- it surrounds me.

Everywhere I look, I see it and feel it, what is deep beneath the surface.
But I thank Him. Sometimes, I don't even fully understand why. I don't fully understand how such incredible joy could grow in me, could so much as exist in a broken body. I don't understand how truth is able to seep into a mind constantly told lies. I don't understand how Perfection can live within the rubbish, the imperfect.

But it does.

I don't know how You are able to love me. Just having that question breaks me in two. How undeserving am I?
All I know is, I'm a silly girl. I'm incredulously selfish. I say that I want You first, that You are my All in All, but then I turn around and to avoid facing my pain over the lost, the sick, the hurt, the Suffers, I pick some other life style choice, even if only for a minute.

How often are we all stubborn enough to think we can live two lives, unwilling to give up our distractions for His glory? And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of this half-ass crap. I'm tired of seeing it, of partaking in it, and of remaining silent. The world tells us lies. God speaks truth. It is very simple. Who are we listening too? And are we willing to face the answer to that question. Because, I think by our nature, we don't want to. It is a conscious choice. We say no. The rest of the world can balance life. Why can't we? But there is no damn balance. There is God. And there is what is not of Him. We cannot have both, because the God who designed us, who went to Hell and back, who gave up everything does not want a meager part of who He created. That would be like a potter settling for a broken piece of the jar. How the hell will He put back together what was broken if He only has one of the pieces? No, He asks for more. Grace is a free gift. But it will cost you everything, because He wants you.  Every last piece of you. Do not settle for giving Him a bit of your heart and selling out to the rest of what a fallen world says. You are worth so much more than that! God says you are worth being fully restored, fully put back together, fully Loved. And the world cannot love you. It will devour you. And that is the truth. The world is false. It isn't true reality. It is trap. And until we can admit that, we will remain attached to it. A time is coming when we will no longer have to look around and break at the sight of all the devastation. But we have to remember to let go of it. Because God calls us to more. We are aliens in a foreign land. I don't want to end up making this my home just because I get tired of waiting. Be in the world, not of it.

I want to live. Not tied to anything or anyone who stakes a claim to this earth. I am free. It's time to stop acting like a slave. So screw you Satan.
You're worth more. Whatever you are thinking, wherever you are, whoever you think you are, you are worth more. You are worth everything.

With Arms High and Heart Abandoned: The Great Adventure

Sometimes, you can't sleep cause you just have to write about Jesus! Christ and I have been on a journey for quite some time now. He has led me past quiet waters and over raging seas. He has led me through battles and darkness. He has carried me when I am too tired to carry on. He whispers in my ear, "Joy, you are loved and I have you. Always." And my heart begins to sing in eager expectation of the life He promises me day in and day out. My best friend comes with me to climb on this world, to discover His glory, on this incredible adventure called Life that He has led me on. He brings me through the earth to show me what His Dad created, He allows me to experience Him through the beautifully broken people that litter this earth. He lets me see just how all powerful He is. He shows me through the little moments, through individuals, how He is reconciling this world to Himself. Oh how freaking blessed I am that I am allowed to see such miracles! Oh how I need Him desperately! I have His Spirit! Thank you Father! And when I live in His Spirit, He makes me a little reckless. He dares me to go where I think I can't enter and says, "I am with You always, even until the very end of the age!" (Matthew 28:20) He goes before me and teaches me the way I should go. (Psalm 143:8) It incredible that by following Him, by listening, through patience and endurance and by letting go of myself, I might know what to do, how to truly adventure through this life. There is much I do not know or understand. I am young, I haven't lived long, but my God I have lived. Living isn't happiness. It isn't getting it all right. It isn't always easy. But to live in this life, the Lord must teach me through trials and hardships and by wrecking me. Because if I live this life with any part of myself or my thoughts, I'm not really Living. For His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways. For as Heaven is higher than anything in this earth, so are His ways higher than my ways and His thoughts than my thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9) Therefore, it is absolutely necessary that the Lord break down any notion this world or my own sinful heart places in my mind on how to live. This is not about me. It's about Him. Thanks be to Jesus who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and who sits at the right hand of the Father! (Hebrews 12:2) The only way I can understand is to fix my eyes on the author and perfecter of my faith. And Jesus, I praise you for refining me, for killing my ideas of life and love and glory and honor. Take this broken vessel and bless it. Take me on an adventure back to You! For I shall fear not, for You have redeemed me, You have summoned me by name, I am Yours and Yours alone! When I pass through the waters, You will be with me! When I pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over me. When I go through fire, I will not be burned, the flames will not set me ablaze, for You are the Lord my God, The Holy One, my Savior. Since I am precious and honored in Your sight and because You love me, You came from Perfection to this world to save me, to save us! (Isaiah 43:1-4) And I will follow You, forever and always, You have me gripped tightly. Lord, I will try to follow Your commands, but I'm not always going to get it right. But You look at me in loving patience and tell me it's ok, that You died for that! I pray that I will never take the life you led and gave up, the pain You experienced by the people You love, the the grave You conquered, for granted. I am living this life for You and not for me. Because I have no interest in living any other way.
Lord, I pray a prayer that You will led me to the ends of this earth. I pray that You will allow me to experience the full extent of Your love. I pray that a love like that will change the coldest heart, the confused mind, the sinful world. I pray that the eyes of this world can be opened, that ears will be opened to hear You whispering, "You are loved." Despite nothing. There is no if, ands or buts. There is no clear reason because love is reason enough. You are love and you love because it is who You are. I pray that I may be transformed into someone more like You. Eradicate the fear in my heart. Lord, please, let me throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles! (Hebrews 12:1) You have called me higher, and You have called me deeper, and I will go where You will lead me Lord. Because I want nothing more than You. I have tasted and I have seen that You. Are. Good. Blessed is the one who takes refuge in You (Psalm 34:8)
Lord, take me on a crazy ride to know You. Wreck me. I know how powerful this prayer is, and I know that it is only by Your Spirit that I have any amount of courage to pray it. I don't want you to challenge me. I need You to wreck me. Because knowing You is worth everything. Of that I am sure.
Lord, I don't have much strength or courage. But I give all of me to You. I give You everything. I pray that it is Your strength and courage that can anchor my soul, that can carry me through this life and teach me how to Live. Let no earthly thing ever stop me from hearing Your sweet voice, Your truth!  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:33-39)

And that is Life. You are Life. Everything else is a facade. Lord, never let my heart forget these truths. 

Lord, I want to live. I want to live in freedom, in You, in Your thoughts and ways. Teach me how. I will follow. But I might need You to hold me sometimes. To carry me, to bring me Home. I know that the things of this world, the idols and gods and temptations will not satisfy. Nothing but You. I know that if I stand back and let You lead, nothing will be able to take me away from Life, and from You. Let nothing but You hold power over me! Don't let me or any of Your children give up. Only let us give up ourselves. Give us the heart and soul and Spirit to fight. To fight for You and Your glory and Your children. 

Holy, beautiful Redeemer, I praise You! My heart is literally overflowing with such Joy that is only by You. It is the name Heaven knows me by, and I pray that I could continue to learn how to live as Your daughter not as a product of the world. Hold me tightly. And lets dance along this journey in exuberant Joy! I lift my arms and I give You everything! To You be the power and the glory forever and ever! If we died with You, we will also live with You; if we endure, we will also reign with You. If we disown You, You will also disown us; if we are faithless, You remain faithful, for You cannot disown Yourself. (2 Timothy 2:11-13) Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen! (1 Timothy 1:15-17)

And we will adventure on with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all, through love and pain and brokenness and imperfection all the way into You.

Sometimes, the Silence Seems So Loud

Sometimes, the silence seems so loud.
Quiet everywhere. It flows over your body, seeps into your ears and eyes and mouth.
Silence. The lack of words. Of breath. Of life. Nothing.
Silence is unknown. Within it's clutches it holds confusion, fear, lies. But like most great and terrible things, it has a flip side. Within silence, it communicates through the lack there-of. And sometimes, it is all a great facade. Because as long a we have breath in our lungs and blood in our veins, true silence cannot be. Silence happens when we stop listening. Silence allows us to hear the hollowness of what the world has to offer. There is one who no longer remains silent. He is saying in every moment, you are loved. You are worth it. You are worth more than food or drink. You are worth more than the numbness you feel, the lying silence that pounds in your ears. You are worth more than confusion, for I did not give you a spirit of confusion. I gave you my Spirit. And when you listen, you will never be trapped in silence. For I am living and active. And I speak. And I say, you are worth it. By nothing of your own accord. I love you enough to leave perfection to come into a world of hate and lies and silence that consumes your soul. I am no longer silent but have torn the curtain down, it is torn in two! You are worth everything, my beloved child and treasure. I died to have you! And I would do it all again. To tell you with action and word and truth that you are worth more than what this world tells you to settle for. When silence pounds above your eardrums and seeps over your body, penetrating your heart, paralyzing your bones, remember. Remember my living and active word. DO NOT CONFORM ANY LONGER TO THE PATTERN OF THIS WORLD, BUT BE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOUR MIND. THEN, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO TEST AND APPROVE WHAT YOUR FATHER'S WILL IS. MY GOOD. PLEASING. PERFECT WILL.
Sometimes, the silence seems oh so loud. Oh so undeserved. Sometimes, it seems to speak more than words. After all, silence is not only the lack of words, but an action, and as they say, actions speak far louder than words. Without action, words hold no weight. With action, they can make them unbearably heavy. But my God speaks words in truth and love, and His actions always back what He says. And He says, I sent my Great Love to be maimed and murder on tree sunk into the cold hard ground of this world that I recklessly love, all to bring you home. That's how much you're worth. Never forget in the confusion of this world who you are and what that means.
Silence may be pounding in my being, but God is an all consuming fire. And He has declared loud and clear what He thinks of me.

Heart and Soul

God knows us. He knows what we do. He knows our shame, our brokenness. He knows the lies we are told, the lies we believe. He understands our self-addiction. He understands our hopes and desires and all our baggage and sin. He sees what the world has corrupted deep inside of us. He sent Himself to understand! He left perfection and entered into a world bathed in darkness. And he yells in agony, "You are deceived! I created you blameless, perfect, holy, righteous. I created you and love you and call you Beloved! You don't believe me? I sent my own, my Son, my Love, to be murdered in the most gruesome of ways for you! To be with you! To bring you to Me, to call you home, to show you the full extent of My Love for you! This is who you are! Stop defining yourself in who you are not. I take you where you are because of who you are and you are Loved. Perfect. Blameless. Spotless. You have been covered in the blood of my love, protected in the shadow of the cross, bathed in perfection. This is who I say you are. I, the Great I Am, I who am in all, I who Love you desperately call you Loved."

You are:
Beloved, Redeemed, Held, Comforted, Satisfied, Adored, Cared For, Child, Friend, Understood, Picked up, Purified, Blameless, Righteous, Holy, Unconditionally Loved, Protected, Safe, Beautiful, Healed, Joyful, Precious, Important, Enough, Heir of the One True King.

And what is more, you did nothing to be these things. Let the Voice of the Father tell you who you are. Simply because of who He is. Don't forget this truth. You are a piece of the heart and soul of the Living God. He says you are worth it. And if ever you are told otherwise, look up and remember what He did to have you.

The Fall by Max Lucado

The Fall
by Max Lucado, from Tell Me the Story


I did not write this but it is a story from one of my favorite books. And I believe there is so much truth within it.

LONG AGO IN A LAND FAR AWAY and unlike any you've ever seen, there lived a wise man named Shaddai. Shaddai was a large man with a tender heart. He had bright blue eyes and a long, thick beard. When He laughed, which is something He did often, His cheeks would lift until His eyes became half-moons of joy.
When He sang, which is something else He did often, everything stopped to listen. Tall aspens could bend. Squirrels, butterflies, and birds would pause. Even the children would turn when they heard His voice. And well they should. It was for them He sang.
And for them He built a wonderful village. It was more than any child could dream. The children plunged into the pond fed by the underwater spring. They shrieked as they soared high on the long swings under the thick-branched apple trees. They scampered through the grass-carpeted meadows and fruit-filled orchards. The sun never seemed to set too early, and the night sky always soothed. And, most of all, Shaddai was always near.
When Shaddai wasn't in the meadow with the children or in the orchards with the children, He was in the workshop--with the children. They loved to smell the sawdust, hear Him sing, and watch Him carve a chair out of a log or make a table out of a tree. They would gather around Him and take turns laying their tiny hands flat against His huge one.
Every night He would gather the children on the grassy meadow and tell them stories. Spellbound, the children would listen as long as Shaddai--or their weary eyes--allowed.
The children loved Shaddai. And Shaddai loved the children. When they called His name, He dropped whatever He was doing and turned. His giant heart had a hundred strings--each held by a different child.
That's why He built the wall.
The wall was a stone fence surrounding the village. With great care Shaddai had laid each rock upon the other. The base of the fence was wider than too of His strides. The wall rose above Shaddai, even with His hand stretched skyward. He spent days building the fence. And as He built, He did not sing. A deadly wilderness lay outside the village. As Shaddai built the fence, He would often pause and look into its shadows. Cruel thorns and savage beasts and hidden pits filled the dark forest. It was no place for children with soft skin. Certain death awaited any who would enter. "Beyond the wall is no life," He would tell the children in solemn tones. "You were made for My village, not for the terrible land beyond. Stay with Me. It's safe here." But in His heart He knew it was only a matter of time.
The day He placed the final stone on the wall, He returned to His shop, took a long aspen branch and carved a staff, and stood it in a corner. He would be ready.
One day a boy ran into Shaddai's workshop. The sandy-haired child with searching eyes and restless energy brought the Maker both joy and concern.
"Shaddai! "
In one motion the Builder dropped His hammer and turned. "What is it, Paladin?"
The boy spoke in spurts as he gasped for air. "The wall . . . I found an . . . opening. It's a large opening, Sire." The boy's hands stretched to show the size. "Someone could crawl through it."
Shaddai pulled over a stool and sat down. "I knew it would be you, Paladin, my child. Tell me, how did you find it?"
"I was walking along the wall searching for---"
"Holes?"
Paladin paused, surprised that Shaddai knew. "Yes, I was looking for holes."
"So you could see out into the forest?"
"I was curious, Shaddai. I wanted to know what is so bad out there that You won't let us go."
Shaddai motioned for the boy to come. When he got close, the Maker cupped the small face in His hands and lifted it so the boy could look directly into His eyes. The urgency of the look caused Paladin's stomach to feel. hollow.
"Paladin, listen to Me. The regions beyond are not for you. They are not for Me. A journey into the wilderness will bring death. You were not made for those lands. Let your feet carry you to the many places you can go--not to the one place you can't. If you leave here, you will not find the way back."
Paladin spoke softly. "You will fix the hole then?"
"No, Paladin, I created it."
"You broke the wall? But You just said You didn't want us to leave."
"I don't want you to leave. But I left the opening when I built the wall."
"But unless You fix it--"
"--the children might leave. I know, Paladin. But as long as the children have to stay, they aren't really here."
Paladin didn't understand, but he didn't want to ask any more questions. Uncomfortable, he turned to leave. As he entered the sunlight, he looked back into the shop. There sat Shaddai, leaning forward, still looking at Paladin.
Paladin was confused. Part of him wanted the safety of Shaddai's shop, while another part drew him toward the fence. He looked again into the shop. Shaddai was standing now--not moving, but standing. His large hand stretched out to the boy.
Paladin turned quickly away, as if not to see. He walked as fast as he could, aimlessly at first, then purposely toward the fence.
"I won't get too near," he said to himself. "I'll just peek out."
Questions came as quickly as his steps. What is this, pull I feel... this curiosity? Why would Shaddai tell me to deny an urge I feel so strongly? Is a desire to see beyond the fence so wrong?
By now he was at the hole. Without stopping to think, he lay on his stomach and squirmed through just far enough to stick his head out the other side.
"Why would a journey there bring death?" Paladin asked himself as he peered at the forbidden forest. "What is it that Shaddai is protecting me from or... keeping me from?"
As if his knees were moving on their own, Paladin crept further. Soon his body was through the hole, and he rose slowly to his feet. For several moments he didn't move. He wondered if something could come out of the trees to hurt him. Nothing did. He relaxed his shoulders and sighed. "It's not so bad" he spoke aloud to break the silence. "It's nice out here. What was Shaddai worried about?"
After a dozen more steps he stopped. He liked the wilderness. "Nothing to fear here." For the first time in his young life, he believed that Shaddai was wrong. "Just wait until I tell the others." And he turned to go back through the hole.
But the hole was gone!
He stopped and stared. He saw only solid wall. Paladin ran to the fence and stooped at the very spot were he'd come through. He knew this was the place. But there was no hole and no sign that there had ever been one. He ran a dozen steps one way and then a dozen steps the other. Nothing.
Suddenly he heard a strange sound in the woods behind him. He swung around, but he saw nothing. Paladin looked into the forest. Now it no longer seemed friendly. It was dark and threatening, as if it were about to devour him.
Desperately, Paladin searched the fence. It was too tall to climb over, too thick to break through. There was no way home.
"If you leave here, you will not find the way back." Shaddai's cords rang in his mind.
The boy's eyes were wide with fear. He sat on the ground and hugged his knees to his chest and began to cry.
"Shaddai, Shaddai! I'm so sorry. Please come help me."
Paladin's plea had been heard before he spoke it. For as he left Shaddai's workshop, the Maker had watched him as long as He could. When the boy was out of sight, Shaddai turned, not to take up His work but to remove His apron. He hung His tools on the wall. Then He reached into the corner and took the staff, the one He'd carved after He finished the fence.
Even before Paladin had reached the fence, Shaddai had left the shop. Even before Paladin had asked for help, Shaddai was on the way to give it. Even before the hole in the fence had closed, Shaddai had opened another. His strong hands pulled away the rocks until He could see into the forest.
With His staff at His side, Shaddai crawled through the hole. He left the village He'd made and entered the land for which He wasn't made and set out in search of His child.

Freedom from Me: Dobby is a Free Elf

I should be doing my body weight in homework, but I can't even focus with all these thoughts swirling around my head. For the past couple of months, my mind has been focused on this intensely convoluted topic of Freedom. Honestly, what the hell does that even mean? God says over and over in the whole freaking New Testament, that we are free, that when we proclaim Jesus as Lord, "the old has died, and the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).  John says, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:36). 

Jesus came to earth because of the Love of our heavenly Father to set us Free. He came abounding in grace to bring freedom. I know this because I believe that Jesus Christ said so and His Dad backed Him up. So then, why do I not feel free 97 % of the time? 

This question has wrecked me over this last semester. I feel so trapped. All the time. And, it's like, what the heck God? You promised to give me Life and Life to the full! (John 10:10). And I believe that God keeps His promises because the Truth cannot lie. He cannot be what it is not, and He is not a liar. With that truth in mind, how then could it possibly make any sense that I feel as though I'm in a small padded room without a door? I proclaim Jesus as Lord, and He says, "For one who has died has been set free from sin." Have I died?

We hold on. We hold on the what we know, to what we want, to our own plan, our own timing, our own thoughts and ways and ideas. And what we fail to realize that nothing belongs to us in the first place. The things of this world we cling to will pass away and only One will remain.

Many times, I think of freedom as being able to do what I want, when I want. I think that freedom is about me. HA.

Freedom has absolutely nothing at all to do with self-addicted, broken, two-timing, Sydney. I cheat on God with the world along with every other damn sinner (which means humanity) everyday. Whenever I put something before the Lord, my actions speak that whatever I am doing is more important. Most of the time, I do not actually believe that what I am doing is more important or significant than the God of all things. But my thoughts and words and actions clearly are not all lining up because clearly, as a repenting sinner, I admit that I'm wrong yet continue to fall short and show with actions that whatever I'm doing is more important than the glory of the Father.  Often, we live lives we don't really believe in. We live in what is comfortable and messy and instinctual. Far to often, I live in my guilt. I live in my sin. I live in myself. And that is the key. That is the missing link I have been searching for all these months: Freedom is not about me.

Freedom is about "me" dying. It is about the perishable passing away. It is about being refined into a new creation with a new name. It is about living in purpose. It is about throwing off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and running with arms wide open to our Savior. It is about fixing our eyes on someone other than ourselves, fixing our eyes on the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the Joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its' shame, and who sits at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2).

Freedom is not a feeling. It is an act. It is a life. It is a gift. And it is not about us.
I have been given an incredible Freedom to have an intimate relationship with the Creator of all that is and was and will be. YOU CANNOT READ THIS AND TELL ME THAT THAT IS A SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT DANCE AND SING AND VOMIT ALL AT THE SAME TIME! (I mean, maybe you can, but I most certainly cannot)

I completely believe that you can know Jesus and sin. I know because I experience this everyday. But it is a Goddamn bummer if we continue to live in this world as if that is ok. Because, damnit, we were made for so much more! We spend copious amounts of time attempting to squeeze ourselves in the image of this world, trying to fit ourselves in to a society of people and expectations. And you know what? It isn't that difficult to do. Many times, is horrifically easy. But it takes true faith to walk in Freedom. It takes true faith to say that You are worth more- more than the sin we fall into and more than the guilt we may feel and more than the judgements and expectations of mere man. I believe that there is a difference between sinning and being a slave to it. A slave does not know freedom, is afraid of freedom, doesn't understand how to live in such a way of Love. But lucky us, we get a human and flesh example of what that can be like. Props to you Jesus.

A lot of times, I feel like Dobby the Elf (#harrypotterreference). I desire to be free, but when I do something wrong, I want to hit myself over the head with a lamp. And once I realize my freedom and that I have been given a sock, that I have been clothed,  I don't really know how to grasp it. It takes some time getting used to. And it is also a very confusing concept. Because the flesh and sin are still just as real as Freedom and holiness. It's quite the paradox.

I believe it is very possible to live lives that are half in and half out. I also believe that we are very talented at making things harder than they need to be. We are faced with many choices. And though I believe we are loved despite what we may choose, I believe our choices do reveal a lot, not about who we are, but who we believe we are. Our choices directly impact what we believe and what we claim to believe. Unfortunately, far too often, these are not the same.

We can be stronger than the temptation of this world. But lets be honest: most of us that know Christ understand this and many times, we would much rather live in ignorance. We care more about the here and now and what we want. We are like children, needing instant gratification. Patience is a rough concept for this generation. We care about us. I care about me. He cares about himself. It's the boomerang effect.  We kinda suck. But God isn't even phased by that.

We have a Freedom to experience a Love that makes absolutely no sense in this world I call my temporary home. And when we experience a love like that, it is our duty and obligation and literally God-given right to share that with every single human being we come in contact with. We have a freedom to love unconditionally. We have a freedom to throw off what hinders us, whether that be judgment, or expectations or the feelings of worthlessness.

So often, we continue to look at people through our own eyes. They are blind eyes. They are eyes that have been weakened by sight of lies in action. We look through eyes of condemnation. That may sound harsh, but we all judge people on a daily basis. And many of us walk in that step of life. We judge people based on the clothes they wear, their beauty, their age, their size, their color. We judge them by the music they listen too and the friends they have. We judge them by what they do and what they don't do. We judge them by hairstyles and all sorts of other meaningless, freaking, objectifying terms that lead to nothing and cause so much hurt and cynicism. We decide to play God. Our actions tend to add to our continual cycle of brokenness. But God came and said "Enough! It is finished!"

This lack of living and walking in Freedom is not an epidemic that merely affects those who are apart from the church. It is a problem that affects Christians and agnostics and atheists alike. It is a problem that has an answer. But many of us are far too terrified to let go of ourselves. We have this ability to share a Love that can change the coldest heart, a Love that is radical and different, a Love that can and will completely change this world whether or not we hop on board. But we are too often ruled by a spirit of fear. And that is not of the Lord.

We can look at people differently. We can look at them, both Christians and non-Christians alike and we can look at them through love. I'm so sick of these damn labels that we all seem to cling to as a means of identifying people. We are all people and God said to love. That's it. There is no if, ands or buts. We love because He said so. And we can only do that a part from us.

I see too many Christians judging non-Christians and non-Christians judging Christians and Christians judging Christians and effing people judging people. Because we all think we know it all.

What does it mean to die to ourselves? I can tell you, that I don't fully know. I think it means less of us, less of "me" and "I" and more of "Him". It means allowing the Lord to wreck You and letting Him bend you to His will. Because as strange as it sounds, I believe that true freedom lies in giving up self-indulgence, in God healing what was corrupted and made broken.

If we do not live in what we believe, we will quickly become confused. We will be pulled in all different directions as the spiritual battle rages within us. 

We have a freedom to love people- the well-dressed and fashion-impaired, the beautiful and the ugly, the young and the old, the wealthy and the poor, the strong and the weak, the Christian and the non-Christian. We have a freedom to love people who we agree with and disagree with. Love should know no limits and cannot be stopped by labels or human thoughts or emotions. Love should drive us past ourselves and into a broken world that could really use a lot of Jesus.

Freedom is about God. It is about His glory. And we are to glorify the One True King.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:1)

Oh My Humanity

A little over a year ago, I wrote this journal. It's funny how I have to learn the same lessons over and over again. Legitimately, the circle of life. 

Sometimes, I look at my life. I mean I actually look at it. I’m a mess. Seriously, I’m disgusting. Every single day, I betray my Savior. Every single day, I cheat on Him with he world. I try to control my life. I bottle everything up. I’m much too easily distracted. I’m exceptionally talented at ignoring problems and taking the easy way out. I would say that more often than not, I am blind. I have officially decided that one of the greatest thorns in my side is pride. That pride causes me to believe that I am capable of handling all of my problems and then some. It causes me to give myself far too much credit. Hell, it causes me to even believe that I have some amount of wisdom. What kills me is that when things in my life are going well, I somehow delude myself into thinking that I no longer need God. Of course, I never say that. It’s a very subconscious thing, a very blind knowledge. I pretend that everything is fine, because it looks fine. And it’s very easy to not have to think about all of the underlying heart problems, such as the lack of Jesus and whatnot, when the whole world sees your life as perfection.

And then, Jesus attempts to tell me of my sin, attempts to call me back again. And me, being the stubborn son-of-a-gun I am, I allow my control-freakish pride to rule my heart and I don’t listen. I hear, but the words can’t seem to seep through my cold and hardened heart. And what’s more confusing and frustrating is that in hindsight, I can see all of this in its entirety taking place. I am able to pick out exactly where I’m screwing up. But in the moment, I feel so out of control and blind. I can’t own up to my own sin. I push it aside and pray, or rather hope, that it just disappears and resolves itself. I assume that this desire comes from my cowardice in facing any situation or conversation that could have conflict. After all, I am a people pleaser.

I care far too much about what others think. God forbid anybody think that I am a sinner, that I have problems, that I’m not perfect, that I have immaturities. And what’s hilarious about the whole situation is that it proves my immaturity. A mature person, someone who is completely confident in their faith and in the Lord, would not care about their image. They would focus on Jesus, and that would be enough.

There are times where life is “going well” when, from the outside looking in, things are good. I find these to be the most dangerous times for a Christian. You see, when things are going “according to plan”, we begin to experience a false sense of security. We begin to forget our desperate need for the Lord. And as I push Him aside and become distracted by the things of this world, I question where God is and blame Him for my lack of desire. After all, it can’t be my fault that I don’t read the Bible. I don’t want to. Obviously, my lack of prayer has nothing to do with it. God is the one who disappears. I’m just waiting for Him to act. (Note the sarcasm).

And then God always does something crazy. And I mean ALWAYS. He turns my life upside down. If I’m not listening, He will gain my focus, even if that requires breaking me. Because He knows that only when I come to the end of myself, can I understand a portion of His love. Only when I face my brokenness, only when I am finally forced to look up, can I see my sin, can I see what the world has corrupted deep inside me, can I see my Jesus. And only then, can I begin to heal and understand the love of my perfect Savior. It is in those dark times when God teaches us such incredible lessons in joy, in patience, and in our desperate need of His unfailing and unconditional love.

I gave my heart and soul to Jesus a long time ago. I am His. And He will have me. I am forever stuck in His sure and steady right hand. And that is beautiful.

Through times of struggle and pain I see. I am able to view the world not through my clouded sight, but through the vision of my Creator. It is then, I think, that I grow the most. Because it is then that I notice my Jesus. You see, He is always there. In every stage, in every season, in every day of life, He is there. Sometimes, we forget to look for Him. When we seek Him, we will find Him. The question comes to down to this; where are our eyes looking?

I have learned that I can barely trust myself. I am messy. I am gross. I am a sinner. I am self-addicted. I can become so caught up in myself to the point of no longer being able to see truth. I am broken.

I am also loved beyond reason by a Being of Grace. And I don’t get it. Truly I don’t. The world can make us feel worthless, used, and undesirable. You see, the world works on a system of conditional love. Our value is weighed by our success, by our beauty, by our money, by our friends. And then Jesus freaking rocked the world. He came and loved prostitutes. He loved tax collectors. He loved sinners. He loved the unlovable. He loved humanity. Our value is in Him, in His love. And that is not something the world can comprehend. It is not something the world understands because it is not of this world. It is of God. Because He is enough, so are we because our worth is in Him. And He says that we are His. He says we are for His glory. He says that we are worth dying for. And that is beautiful. That is love. That is Christ.