A little over a year ago, I wrote this journal. It's funny how I have to learn the same lessons over and over again. Legitimately, the circle of life.
Sometimes, I look at my life. I
mean I actually look at it. I’m a mess. Seriously, I’m disgusting. Every single
day, I betray my Savior. Every single day, I cheat on Him with he world. I try
to control my life. I bottle everything up. I’m much too easily distracted. I’m
exceptionally talented at ignoring problems and taking the easy way out. I
would say that more often than not, I am blind. I have officially decided that
one of the greatest thorns in my side is pride. That pride causes me to believe
that I am capable of handling all of my problems and then some. It causes me to
give myself far too much credit. Hell, it causes me to even believe that I have
some amount of wisdom. What kills me is that when things in my life are going
well, I somehow delude myself into thinking that I no longer need God. Of
course, I never say that. It’s a very subconscious thing, a very blind
knowledge. I pretend that everything is fine, because it looks fine. And it’s very easy to not have to think about all of
the underlying heart problems, such as the lack of Jesus and whatnot, when the
whole world sees your life as perfection.
And then, Jesus attempts to tell me
of my sin, attempts to call me back again. And me, being the stubborn
son-of-a-gun I am, I allow my control-freakish pride to rule my heart and I
don’t listen. I hear, but the words can’t seem to seep through my cold and
hardened heart. And what’s more confusing and frustrating is that in hindsight,
I can see all of this in its entirety taking place. I am able to pick out
exactly where I’m screwing up. But in the moment, I feel so out of control and
blind. I can’t own up to my own sin. I push it aside and pray, or rather hope,
that it just disappears and resolves itself. I assume that this desire comes
from my cowardice in facing any situation or conversation that could have
conflict. After all, I am a people pleaser.
I care far too much about what
others think. God forbid anybody think that I am a sinner, that I have
problems, that I’m not perfect, that I have immaturities. And what’s hilarious
about the whole situation is that it proves my immaturity. A mature person,
someone who is completely confident in their faith and in the Lord, would not
care about their image. They would focus on Jesus, and that would be enough.
There are times where life is
“going well” when, from the outside looking in, things are good. I find these
to be the most dangerous times for a Christian. You see, when things are going “according
to plan”, we begin to experience a false sense of security. We begin to forget
our desperate need for the Lord. And as I push Him aside and become distracted
by the things of this world, I question where God is and blame Him for my lack
of desire. After all, it can’t be my fault that I don’t read the Bible. I don’t
want to. Obviously, my lack of prayer has nothing to do with it. God is the one
who disappears. I’m just waiting for Him to act. (Note the sarcasm).
And then God always does something
crazy. And I mean ALWAYS. He turns my life upside down. If I’m not listening,
He will gain my focus, even if that
requires breaking me. Because He knows that only when I come to the end of
myself, can I understand a portion of His love. Only when I face my brokenness,
only when I am finally forced to look up, can I see my sin, can I see what the
world has corrupted deep inside me, can I see my Jesus. And only then, can I
begin to heal and understand the love of my perfect Savior. It is in those dark
times when God teaches us such incredible lessons in joy, in patience, and in
our desperate need of His unfailing and unconditional love.
I gave my heart and soul to Jesus a
long time ago. I am His. And He will have me. I am forever stuck in His sure
and steady right hand. And that is beautiful.
Through times of struggle and pain
I see. I am able to view the world not through my clouded sight, but through
the vision of my Creator. It is then, I think, that I grow the most. Because it
is then that I notice my Jesus. You see, He is always there. In every stage, in
every season, in every day of life, He is there. Sometimes, we forget to look
for Him. When we seek Him, we will find Him. The question comes to down to
this; where are our eyes looking?
I have learned that I can barely
trust myself. I am messy. I am gross. I am a sinner. I am self-addicted. I can
become so caught up in myself to the point of no longer being able to see
truth. I am broken.
I am also loved beyond reason by a
Being of Grace. And I don’t get it. Truly I don’t. The world can make us feel
worthless, used, and undesirable. You see, the world works on a system of
conditional love. Our value is weighed by our success, by our beauty, by our
money, by our friends. And then Jesus freaking rocked the world. He came and
loved prostitutes. He loved tax collectors. He loved sinners. He loved the
unlovable. He loved humanity. Our value is in Him, in His love. And that is not
something the world can comprehend. It is not something the world understands
because it is not of this world. It is of God. Because He is enough, so are we
because our worth is in Him. And He says that we are His. He says we are for
His glory. He says that we are worth dying for. And that is beautiful. That is
love. That is Christ.
