Cliché Christianity

Alright, so for one thing, I have no desire to study. For another thing, I doubt that I can with all that's going on in my head.
Do you ever feel super cliche? Cause that is definitely how I am feeling right now. I have found my self asking the two most typical, common, cliche questions a Christian could probably ask. "Why God?", "Where are you?", and my personal favorite, "Why me?"
Can I get anymore self-absorbed?
I know. Ridiculous. I feel like, for most of my life, I have judged people that ask such questions. Of course, I never would have admitted it. How un-Christian is that? But the reality is, that I've always been afraid. Because secretly, I asked the same questions. I, Sydney Mack, questioned God. Actually, a more accurate statement would be that I, Sydney Mack, question God. Present tense.
Those are the questions my heart longs to find the answers too. In fact, I'm pretty sure those are the questions that keep my head reeling. Sometimes, He's just so hard to see. I have often wondered if God plays hide and seek. He hides, and I'm supposed to count to ten and go find Him. And then, about eight months ago, I realized the lie within that statement. It's always been the other way around. I hide, and the Father seeks me. And He always finds me, normally in a very stubborn and pathetic state, and yet, through my sassy defiance, He gently brushes away the tears and picks me up in His sure and steady arms. Sometimes, if I'm feeling especially ridiculous, I kick and scream, refusing to except His Love. I am the queen of temper tantrums. And, let's be real, I'm forever a five year old.
I've been doing this a lot recently. I don't have all the answers, and I don't always know how to swallow my incredibly prevalent pride. I don't always know how to accept the Lord's discipline. Heck, I don't even know how to fully listen to Him. I feel like, my brain has so many thoughts swirling around, confusing me from the thoughts of my Father.
I'm just going to be real. I don't understand my life right now. This is what I know.
1.) God is good. Always.
2.) I'm not good. For now.
3.) God is attempting to teach me something big.
4.) I don't know what exactly that is.
5.) I may be going viably insane.
6.) I'm a very dramatic person.
7.) I tend to make a big deal out of small situations.
8.) Satan enjoys picking at my overdramatic, over-analytical, brain.
9.) I feel so weak.
10.) Jesus is strong.
11.) I'm having a difficult time seeing Him.
12.) I can feel Him.

This is the contorted web of truths that circulate my skull. But somewhere, through my human and feeble mind, Christ will find me. Or rather, I will see Him. And He will mark my life yet again with His presence. And I will be better off for it. The only thing I can ask in the state I am in is for Christ to hold me. To come and literally pick me up from the sadness and worry and pain that I am in. I want to bring Him glory. And so I know He will do these things. In His timing. Ah, so frustrating. Patience. Patience. One of my great weaknesses. But, I have Joy. My Father, my Redeemer, my Healer, my Comforter, my Everything, my Christ is my Joy. I have this despite everything. Because I have Him and He has me, whether or not I realize it in the confusing moments of life. I want people to know this. Joy is not circumstantial.  It is more. It is a belief, a calling, a way of life, a knowledge of the eternity that is to come and yet that we are already a part of. It is unworldly. It is heavenly. It is home. It is God.

Take My Hand

A lot of how I get my thoughts organized and out of my brain is by writing whether its a journal, a prayer, a song, a poem or whatever. One night, during my freshman year of college, I had a lot going on in my heart and this is what it came out as.

 “Take My hand,” says the Lion to the Lamb

“Together we’ll walk this fallen land”

It was a moment so long ago

With tears pouring down my face

When my broken heart cried to You

Cried for Your love and Your Saving Grace

My thoughts turned back to another time

Another place, another life, another chase

Where believing was easier

When faith was a piece of cake

And now I stand here broken and confused

Trying to fight the good fight

But somehow, I lose

And I’m begging You, Lord take my hand

Don’t let go, Love me God, lead me into Your promise land

Because I need You Jesus

Because I need You Father

Because I need You God with us

You’re my greatest desire

Lord my pride always gets in the way

I’m disobedient, a sinner, sometimes a fake

Lord I’m a sheep who’s gone astray

Come find me Emmanuel, show me Your way

This selfish earth can make me forget

Of my true Home, Holiness, and Your Treasured Gift

My thoughts don’t always focus on You

My face ashamed, eyes down, cast from the Truth

It’s then that I begin to sink

Swallowed up by sin, black as ink

I can’t do this on my own anymore

Fill my life with Your Presence, more than before

I’ve often wondered how You could love me

I’m not righteous, selfless, but so weak

I care too much what other people say

When Your thoughts are all that matter anyway

You know my heart from the inside out

Every passion, every fear, every doubt

All the good, all the bad, all my life

Every sin, every shame, every valley, every height

Lord I stand before You with nothing to give

Except my broken soul, body, and longing spirit

Lord, it’s Yours- make me into someone worthy

Of Your deep love, grace, and sanctuary

Long ago, we were cast out of Eden
Separated by an iron curtain

But Your love runs deeper than any imagine

A Tree of Life with roots none can fathom

Your breath plays gently across my face

As Your hands pull me from a dark place

You’re an Artist, a Sculptor, our Creator

A Refiner, a Lover, our Maker

A Carpenter, a Teacher, our Healer

A Savior, a Son, our Father

The King of Heaven, of Earth, of Sinners

A God of wisdom, A God of power and forgiveness

You’re a Relationship, not a Religion

You’re a God who made a decision

To send a man into this world

To reveal Your heart as we all hurled
Insults and pain at the cross
Redeemer, we mocked the Greatest Loss

The greatest price this world has ever seen
The greatest love story there has ever been
The greatest crime ever committed
The greatest life ever ended

You paid for what we’ve done
The Innocent was murdered on the hill
The sky broke with the cries of a lost Son
Who suffered under the weight of the world
 
We mocked and cursed Your only Son

We spilled His blood, crucified the only One

Who can love unconditionally
Who can love us without change

Who can teach our spirits to love the same

But we turned our backs on You
And pursued things seen, and untrue

Lord I’ve done it a million times
I’ve walked my own path, committed the crime

I don’t deserve Your promises, or Your life

Nor Your unceasing love, forgiveness, grace and might

But I suppose that’s what makes grace, grace
The reason we will one day see Your perfect face
For You rose again from the grave
Defeated Death and Evil, and saved

It is a merciful act underserving,

An act few understand
Because it is rare in a world full off selfish demands

And Dear Jesus, I’m so grateful
Your beauty is indescribable
And yet somehow, I still forget
That You are more than worth it

I am still confident of this
That I will see Your plan, will and goodness

So I will wait for You Lord. I will be still and wait

For Your Spirit to come and fill this place

I’m sorry Lord for all I do
The parts of life I live without You
I’m selfish, more lost than most can see
Lord, I’m on my knees. Lead me.

My soul thirsts for You, my spirit longs for You
In a dry and weary land where there is no water

You are the light of the world
A city on a hill cannot be hidden
Our light should shine on all under Heaven

So come Lord and fill this land

With the eternal life to which You called
Come Lord, be our Rock, not the Sand
Lasting in glorious Love, forever enthralled
Till the end of time

Till the end of mankind

Your strong arms wrap around me
Your sure voice whispers softly
And You know just how to love me
As Your Spirits washes over me

As Mary washed Your Holy feet
You’re always willing to serve me

Your eyes are filled with deep compassion
Your love is more than ever imagined
Your hands are more vast than the open seas
Your life is much greater than this world or me

Take my hand in this life
Walk me through the darkest nights
Walk me through the brightest days
Walk me in the suns great rays

Hold my hand and rock me to sleep
Be my Comforter, and be my Peace
Be my Joy, my Love, and my Goodness
Be my Faith, my Control, my Patience and Kindness

Hold me in Your strong embrace
Never leave me alone in this place

Fill my life with all Your fruit
You’re the Vine, I’m the branches
You are my Roots
That give purpose and meaning in this painful life
Lord, I give You my all

Make me right. 

I feel You reaching for my hand
“Don’t let go, Lion” says the Lamb
Together we’ll walk this earthly dome
Until Your sure voice whispers “Beloved, Come home.”

Amen.

My Brain

Ok, so over my life, one thing I have learned about myself is that I have an extraordinarily over-analytical brain. It can be great at times, but it's very easy for me to become stuck inside my own head. So I figured, blogging about it might give me some relief and, if your interested, you can read about some of the nonsense that goes on up there. I've always loved writing and tend to be much better with written words rather than speaking. Most of my life consists of me trying to figure out the basic questions that tend to arise as one gets older: Who am I? What is the meaning of life? How should I live my life? How can I improve my life? Where is God? How can I know Him more? Who is He in my life? Who am I in Him. etc. Yah know- the basics. But for real, I love Jesus. I do my best to try to learn and know Him more everyday. On my own, I'm not very good at this. It's funny how I need Christ to know Christ. I know that I constantly stumble, that I am constantly defiant, that I am as stubborn as sin, that I am broken beyond comprehension, and that I have a fickle and worried mind that frequently takes my eyes off of my Savior. I also know that it is ok. I know that my life is in the hands of the one who created life. I know that I am loved despite my disobedience. I know that I everyday I am in desperate need of the Great I Am. I am His. I am His beloved daughter. I am part of His Joy. And I want to share that. I want people to grasp some inkling of who my Great Love is. I want people to be able to look at my life and see a reflection of Jesus. I'm not perfect. I'm so far from it. And yet, so close. Because I do have a Perfect Father who has created a perfect home for his children, a perfect eternity within my very soul. And I want you to know who He is. I'm not going to pretend otherwise. Of course, I respect all opinions and am merely sharing my own. So if you want to read- great! If you disagree, great! If you have questions, sweet! This blog probably won't be that interesting but maybe my Father can use some portion of this for His glory. That is all I can ask and pray for. So yeah, we'll see how this goes.