Cliché Christianity

Alright, so for one thing, I have no desire to study. For another thing, I doubt that I can with all that's going on in my head.
Do you ever feel super cliche? Cause that is definitely how I am feeling right now. I have found my self asking the two most typical, common, cliche questions a Christian could probably ask. "Why God?", "Where are you?", and my personal favorite, "Why me?"
Can I get anymore self-absorbed?
I know. Ridiculous. I feel like, for most of my life, I have judged people that ask such questions. Of course, I never would have admitted it. How un-Christian is that? But the reality is, that I've always been afraid. Because secretly, I asked the same questions. I, Sydney Mack, questioned God. Actually, a more accurate statement would be that I, Sydney Mack, question God. Present tense.
Those are the questions my heart longs to find the answers too. In fact, I'm pretty sure those are the questions that keep my head reeling. Sometimes, He's just so hard to see. I have often wondered if God plays hide and seek. He hides, and I'm supposed to count to ten and go find Him. And then, about eight months ago, I realized the lie within that statement. It's always been the other way around. I hide, and the Father seeks me. And He always finds me, normally in a very stubborn and pathetic state, and yet, through my sassy defiance, He gently brushes away the tears and picks me up in His sure and steady arms. Sometimes, if I'm feeling especially ridiculous, I kick and scream, refusing to except His Love. I am the queen of temper tantrums. And, let's be real, I'm forever a five year old.
I've been doing this a lot recently. I don't have all the answers, and I don't always know how to swallow my incredibly prevalent pride. I don't always know how to accept the Lord's discipline. Heck, I don't even know how to fully listen to Him. I feel like, my brain has so many thoughts swirling around, confusing me from the thoughts of my Father.
I'm just going to be real. I don't understand my life right now. This is what I know.
1.) God is good. Always.
2.) I'm not good. For now.
3.) God is attempting to teach me something big.
4.) I don't know what exactly that is.
5.) I may be going viably insane.
6.) I'm a very dramatic person.
7.) I tend to make a big deal out of small situations.
8.) Satan enjoys picking at my overdramatic, over-analytical, brain.
9.) I feel so weak.
10.) Jesus is strong.
11.) I'm having a difficult time seeing Him.
12.) I can feel Him.

This is the contorted web of truths that circulate my skull. But somewhere, through my human and feeble mind, Christ will find me. Or rather, I will see Him. And He will mark my life yet again with His presence. And I will be better off for it. The only thing I can ask in the state I am in is for Christ to hold me. To come and literally pick me up from the sadness and worry and pain that I am in. I want to bring Him glory. And so I know He will do these things. In His timing. Ah, so frustrating. Patience. Patience. One of my great weaknesses. But, I have Joy. My Father, my Redeemer, my Healer, my Comforter, my Everything, my Christ is my Joy. I have this despite everything. Because I have Him and He has me, whether or not I realize it in the confusing moments of life. I want people to know this. Joy is not circumstantial.  It is more. It is a belief, a calling, a way of life, a knowledge of the eternity that is to come and yet that we are already a part of. It is unworldly. It is heavenly. It is home. It is God.