I literally loathe those moments in life where I know I’m being irrational but feel completely out of control of my actions and feelings. Normally, this happens right when I start to feel the weight of all my commitments and obligations in life pressing heavily down on my mind, body, and Spirit. It actually feels like a physical weight demanding my being to buckle under its’ pressure. It really was only a matter of time before I had a complete meltdown and allowed the insanity that is my brain to relinquish this burden in written form. So here we go…
I’m doing too much. There is nothing unique about this sentiment, nothing even remarkable in relation to me. This is a constant state of being for much of the human population and I’m really no exception to this uninteresting faucet of reality. But within this over-rationalization of a common American problem, it doesn’t seem to solve the issue itself. So what if the rest of the world experiences the undeniably putrid feeling of being overwhelmed? So what if I am not the sole victim of an age-old struggle. I am struggling. And, I suppose that matters.
I hate admitting weakness and I hate the identity of foolishness and above it all I hate liberating my pride from my possessive, broken heart. For all unreasonable and superficial purposes, my mind seems to continually construct this logical fallacy that admitting weakness is the art form of the pitied and the pathetic. Clearly, when I write the words and read them aloud, I can see the lie within that decree. It is yet another falsehood twisted within the disconnect of head knowledge and heart knowledge. My actions and words stand as a byproduct of this botched thought. Yet another truth lost in the realm between mind and soul.
I could list all the things that feel like they are overtaking all my time and therefore my life, but then I would feel like I’m trying to give my problems and stressors some sort of significance over other issues and qualms regarding other lives and really advocating for the prominence of my shit above the rest of the world’s.
This is how I'm feeling today. I made a fascinating decision to take a four hour exam at 8 am on a Saturday morning after a long week of meetings and teaching and high schoolers and applications, and somehow I decided that I am the kind of person who would undoubtedly have an awesome, post-exam day skipping around, reveling in my intelligence and cleverness I was sure to have proven when I ”aced” the GRE that was no match for my supposed, impressive brain-power.
Reality: I am feeling stupid for taking a challenging test that drained my brain so quickly that it seemed to deny the existence of knowledge ever residing there. This one thought-turned-feeling created a domino affect in my mind consisting of negative thought after negative thought. From feelings of idiocy I entered into defensive pride, which I quickly recognized for what it was and felt the selfish and vapid parts of my heart come forward in a painfully visible way. From there I felt the apathy that accompanies worthlessness and self-hatred directly followed by anger from the irrationality of it all. And from there, I find myself stuck in this continuous cycle of Insignificance, Indifference, and Irritation forming the prideful rotation of Irrationality.
When this occurs, everything upsets me. I mean, honestly if somebody tells me my socks don’t match, I just want to cry uncontrollably and scream, “Fuck you! Maybe I like them that way!” Yes. I am absurd. I am aware. Obviously, this is a classical example of displaced anger.
