I Am Called to Financial Insecurity

Warning: I feel like this post has the potential to make certain people upset. I'm writing from my own experience and perspective. This post is meant to start an internal dialogue and to question the expectations of our culture. This isn't a judgement post, it's an opinion based on my interpretations of the will of God in my life and scripture.

It's 12:17 a.m. on a brisk Friday morning. I have to be up in seven hours and three minutes to take a shower, feed my cat, and make my chocolate chip waffle all in preparation for my day. It's 12:17 a.m. and I'm thinking about my future. I'm thinking about my God. I'm thinking about my calling. 

I was raised in Dublin, Ohio. It is a large suburb in the pocket of Columbus. It is predominately middle class. Contrary to popular belief, the streets are not paved with gold though they are constantly repaved. I grew up learning the importance of education, believing without question that I would graduate high school. I had every opportunity to attend college. I grew up believing I had potential.

I moved to Athens when I was 19. Much to the disapproval of many of the adults in my Dublin bubble, I chose to attend Ohio University, #1 party school. I was warned of the dangers of the college culture, how easy it was to be sucked in. In all honesty, I was excited to prove my doubters wrong. And I did. I did not get "sucked in" to college culture. It just wasn't me. I had no interest in going to a party with strange, drunken people all dancing to some mainstream dance song. For one thing, I'm an introvert so that environment just makes me want to die a little inside. For another thing, beer doesn't taste very good to me- I'm a wine girl. Lastly, I can't dance. Like, I'm actually awful. I didn't fall into being someone that I'm not, but I did fall into Appalachia. I fell in love with Athens. 

I had some experience with Appalachia before on mission trips in high school, but none like this. Confession: I have felt called since my junior year of high school to be financially insecure. This statement goes against the entire culture I was raised in. I'm not directly saying financial security is wrong. I'm saying middle class America has turned this concept into a god. 

Jesus was a vagabond. He travelled from city to city loving people. He was a carpenter from Nazareth. Nothing in scripture points to Jesus being consumed by His financial situation. Consumerism was not a part of the Son of Man's M.O. In fact, in Matthew 6:24 Jesus says, "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." Jesus intentionally put both Himself and His followers in a position that required complete dependence on the Father for everything. 

I grew up in a social culture that placed pressure on me to find a good job, move back to Dublin or an identical piece of suburbia, get married to a guy with a well-paying, economically sustainable occupation, and  to stay home to raise my kids. I'm going to be honest with you- though I don't reject every aspect of that lifestyle, it makes me want to physically be sick and this is why: Having a good job is not wrong. Being a stay-at-home mom is not wrong. Being married to a guy with a high paying job is not wrong. Finding my value and my worth in those things is. My whole being rejects the idea of becoming a cog in the world. Because I don't fucking belong here. I was created for greater things. I was created for God. And I hear his voice calling me to trust in His provision.

Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. -Isaiah 1:17

Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.' Zechariah 7:10

Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed- Psalm 82:3

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.- James 1:27

Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body....Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  -Hebrews 13:1

Scripture is filled with the command to no longer conform to the pattern of this world but to be transformed with the renewing of your minds. Then, and only then, will you be able to test and approve what God's will is, His good, pleasing, and perfect will.(Romans 12:2)

I have been called to love people. I have been called to live a life that rejects the world and listens to His voice. His voice called me to become a teacher in the most economically disadvantaged county in Ohio with no visible sign of future economic growth. 

I have been abundantly blessed with both privilege and opportunity. I was raised by wonderful parents who financially supported me through my life. I worry far too often that my choices will disappoint them. But I feel in my soul I am where I am supposed to be. I feel my God's hand in my life carrying me towards a part of the brokenness that breaks His heart. I feel Him telling me that worldly possessions and experiences will wither and die but the will of Him, His touch of love will last for eternity (Isaiah 40:8).

As of right now in this season, I am not called to be financially secure. That does not mean I will not be financially responsible. It means that my budget will be tight. It means that my children's childhood will probably look very different from my own. That's not wrong, it's just a different perspective, a different way of doing things. Blessings look different, and I am blessed by this calling to see the Lord in this frightening way. 

I will follow Him because His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). His ways are higher than the expectations of those around me, even of those who helped to raise me. Ultimately, I am being raised and refined by a perfect Father one who tells me that whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus lived (1 John 2:6). And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:18).

I will end with this quote from the inspiring Brennan Manning:

Let us be bold enough to ask ourselves as Christians whether the Church of the Lord Jesus in the United States has anything to say to our nation and its ideologies of materialism, possessiveness, and the worship of financial security. Are we courageous enough to be a sign of contradiction to consumerism through our living faith in Jesus Christ? Are we committed enough to his gospel to become a countercurrent to the drift?- Brennan Manning

The Rabbit Hole

Happiness is our war: The dilemma of generations

We have been told a lie

We have been told what to seek

We have been told what is precious

We have been told what is missing

We have been given a destiny

The earth rotates around ideas

The world echoes the voices of the majority

It speaks of significance

Love

Happiness

Synonymous.

We can't deal with depression

It is unnatural

It is pain

It is something to bury and burn and crucify

We hide

As small children under the covers away from the monsters

Beneath the bed, they lurk

Close enough to touch

The lovely world

A temptress of distractions

The rabbit hole in Alice's wonderland

We are children

We long for contentment, for sameness, for monotony

We crave structure

And if we attain it, we give into our nature

Destruction

A flare for the dramatics

We need something to fight for

We are rebels without a cause

Happiness becomes our war

And for what?

For love?

"Love makes us happy", we are told by the echoes

"Love is happiness."

"Love is contentment."

"Love is sameness."

"Love is monotonous."

Laughter

Mocking laughter

The world turns violently

It doesn't fit

Like a toothpick in a lock

It doesn't fit

It is hard

It seems daunting

Impossible

The stuff of fairytales

Of Rapunzel in her tower

With a biting wind, the leaves fall dead to the earth

Seasons change

Happiness fades in this way

Destiny, echoes, purpose tells us to fight for happiness

No

I fight for freedom

I fight for opportunity

I fight for hard times

I fight for true, messy love

The kind of love you must hold dearly

The love that humbles the soul

The stuff of grace

The love deep in the crevices of brokenness

Like rivers, these divots run along the earth

Branches connecting identities

A bloodline

A mother loses her child

A man watches war raze his city to the dusty earth

A girl curls beneath the covers

Hiding from the monsters beneath the bed

Outside the door

A husband stands beside his wife as death courses through her veins

Where is happiness in these times?

Where is purpose?

Love cannot exist in the absence of happiness, of pleasure

And yet...

The mother's heart is torn in two in love for her lost child

The man falls to his knees

Agonizing passion for his scorched city

The girl longs for the monsters outside the bedroom door

To hold her tightly

The husband adores his sick wife as tears brush his cheeks

The agony

A result of deep Love

Love hurts

Love surpasses merely a feeling

Love is a decision

Love is tested

Love is refined

Love is a gift

Love is worth it

Love never fails

Happiness fails

Pleasure and love

The dilemma of generations

Like Wildfire

"Lord, it's dark. It's so dark. I see it everywhere. In the people. So much darkness rests within the people. It's in me too. I feel the shadows lick my skin. I feel the weight of the heavy black press my body like gravity, trying to pinion my movements; attempting to raze my ability to think, to live, to be. Help me, Lord."

(Silence)

"Lord, why don't you answer? Why don't you speak in a palpable voice, a voice as clear as the blue summer sky? I know you can. I feel that knowledge within the confines of my mind, truth ringing deep in its recesses. I know you can  hear me. And yet, silence remains, vibrating invisible ripples over this space. Answer me, Father!"

(Silence)

"Don't you hear what your daughter shouts? I can't do this anymore. The pain of this world feels like it will tear me to pieces! Don't you see what I see? They walk around, aimlessly, neglecting their children. They tell each other they are worthless. They hit their offspring. They drink themselves into numb worlds. They defile their bodies. They pierce their skin with distractions, with highs, with death. They mimic light by setting fire to unclean things and tasting it's magic on their lips. They long for more, Father. They are hurting, Abba. Have you forgotten your creations?"

(Silence)

"They lie to each other. To You, to themselves. The brokenness has become a synonym of life. Father, it is in me too. You see it there, the darkness. It grows, Lord. It grows and spreads like wildfire. It burns the flesh, destroying what once was, charring the once existing beauty. "

(Silence)

"Loneliness squirms into the empty spaces. When will burning end? When will the tears cease to flow, creating great floods over Your supposed Beloveds? I see a young man sit in despair. Fifteen years old. He walks into his world, dirty. The world echoes what it has made him. Their words hit his sooty skin like rocks. Tears well behind his eyes. He pushes them back, swallowing their hatred. He exits the publicity of his peers and enters into his home. It is prison; a dark cell with little food, filthy clothes. The smell of rot fills his feculent cage."

(Silence)

"Weariness overcomes my being. Where is your compassion? Where is your love? The fire keeps advancing."

(Silence)

"I don't love like I should. I become so tired. My faithfulness falters. My mind wanders. My will sways with my emotions that feel as though they run rampant without my consent. Powerlessness strikes my chest. Fatigue buckles my knees. Despair clouds my vision. Passion overwhelms my mind. Joy seems to drain from my body. Anxiety pins my core to the earth. I was not meant for this. We were not meant for this place. There is more. There is You. And though all else seems to fall to rubble, my heart continues to beat in my chest:"

Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh

(Silence)

Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh

(Silence)

Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh

"Yaweh"

Feed my lambs

"My King"

Take care of my sheep

"I Am"

Feed my sheep

"My Great Love"

Follow Me

From fire, life springs forth. He will change the lasting, ancient dark into light because of His all-surpassing glory. 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." -The Word of Our Lord, Ecclesiastes 3:11 

Let's Be Honest-- Sometimes, Feelings Just Suck

I literally loathe those moments in life where I know I’m being irrational but feel completely out of control of my actions and feelings. Normally, this happens right when I start to feel the weight of all my commitments and obligations in life pressing heavily down on my mind, body, and Spirit. It actually feels like a physical weight demanding my being to buckle under its’ pressure. It really was only a matter of time before I had a complete meltdown and allowed the insanity that is my brain to relinquish this burden in written form. So here we go…

I’m doing too much. There is nothing unique about this sentiment, nothing even remarkable in relation to me.  This is a constant state of being for much of the human population and I’m really no exception to this uninteresting faucet of reality. But within this over-rationalization of a common American problem, it doesn’t seem to solve the issue itself. So what if the rest of the world experiences the undeniably putrid feeling of being overwhelmed? So what if I am not the sole victim of an age-old struggle. I am struggling. And, I suppose that matters.

I hate admitting weakness and I hate the identity of foolishness and above it all I hate liberating my pride from my possessive, broken heart. For all unreasonable and superficial purposes, my mind seems to continually construct this logical fallacy that admitting weakness is the art form of the pitied and the pathetic.  Clearly, when I write the words and read them aloud, I can see the lie within that decree. It is yet another falsehood twisted within the disconnect of head knowledge and heart knowledge. My actions and words stand as a byproduct of this botched thought.  Yet another truth lost in the realm between mind and soul.

I could list all the things that feel like they are overtaking all my time and therefore my life, but then I would feel like I’m trying to give my problems and stressors some sort of significance over other issues and qualms regarding other lives and really advocating for the prominence of my shit above the rest of the world’s.

This is how I'm feeling today.  I made a fascinating decision to take a four hour exam at 8 am on a Saturday morning after a long week of meetings and teaching and high schoolers and applications, and somehow I decided that I am the kind of person who would undoubtedly have an awesome, post-exam day skipping around, reveling in my intelligence and cleverness I was sure to have proven when I ”aced” the GRE that was no match for my supposed, impressive brain-power.

 Reality:  I am feeling stupid for taking a challenging test that drained my brain so quickly that it seemed to deny the existence of knowledge ever residing there. This one thought-turned-feeling created a domino affect in my mind consisting of negative thought after negative thought. From feelings of idiocy I entered into defensive pride, which I quickly recognized for what it was and felt the selfish and vapid parts of my heart come forward in a painfully visible way. From there I felt the apathy that accompanies worthlessness and self-hatred directly followed by anger from the irrationality of it all. And from there, I find myself stuck in this continuous cycle of Insignificance, Indifference, and Irritation forming the prideful rotation of Irrationality. 

When this occurs, everything upsets me. I mean, honestly if somebody tells me my socks don’t match, I just want to cry uncontrollably and scream, “Fuck you! Maybe I like them that way!” Yes. I am absurd. I am aware. Obviously, this is a classical example of displaced anger.

Honestly, what I've described only scratches the surface of how complicatedly messed up these thoughts continue to fall deep into the negative crevices of my mind. I'm going to try and spare anyone reading this from the toxicity that my brain can become. I wish I had better control of my feelings. I wish I had the wisdom to always be a rational human being, amazing at processing stress and overwhelming life situations. But the truth is, I’m not always like that. I over-rationalize to the point of irrationality and I straight suck at dealing with multiple stressors at once. I have the most difficult time filtering my own moods into something constructive instead of releasing it upon the rest of innocent society. I’m tired and beyond cranky. It you were to compare me to a distraught five year old, they would exceed me in maturity at this moment in time. I’m exhausted. I’m selfish. I’m broken. Thank God I have Jesus and thank God He knows how to love me unconditionally and without ceasing. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saves a wretch like me.