The Middle

     I know I can probably overwhelm social media with mostly things about my faith, but I'm having a moment right now. 

     People who claim to know Christ always talk about this moment, this moment where they chose to believe it all, this moment where they chose Him. I never felt like I had that. I never felt like I was able to choose to believe that I have a God who created me. But I do get to choose to believe that He loves me. And I do get to choose Him. I can't choose to believe in Him, not anymore. I would be lying to myself and to truth if I said that. But I do get to choose to follow Him. It's Him or the world. There is no room for middle ground. I don't get to choose to follow Him on Sundays or when I'm happy or sad or when I need something, and then turn around and go and have an affair with a world that promises instant gratification and temporary happiness. That's not choosing my God. That's choosing cowardice, too afraid to give it all, to afraid to embrace an unknown freedom, to afraid that it won't be worth it. 

     We live in a world addicted to The Middle. We live in a time and a place that says we can have it all. We live in culture afraid to be decisive, which really means afraid to be wrong in the midst of the unknown mysteries that we all must face. So we are drawn to The Middle, to attempting to uphold our worldly existence while acknowledging some sense of Spirit. The Middle is a dangerous place to get stuck in. It is a state of comfort for those afraid of commitment. The problem is, at the end of it all, The Middle doesn't truly exist. It is a space we have created to make sense of our choices, our desires, our lives. But that's just it- empty space.

     I turn my back on the only God who has ever loved me and the only love that has ever mattered.  We say grace is this free gift. But, I don't think that gives the right impression. We cannot earn grace. We cannot buy it with good deeds or sacrifices or possessions or even our lives. We weren't enough to purchase Grace. We needed a perfect sacrifice, somebody who was worth it to pay the price, somebody who the world couldn't touch and taint with it's brokenness and lies.  In that sense, I suppose it is free. But, I think a more accurate description is that Grace is a gift of Freedom. And if you accept it, it will cost you everything. 

     I'm still learning how to give up my love affair with the world. I'm still learning how to resist The Middle, but I want Jesus to have it all, because I don't want to look in the face of my Savior at the end of my life, of the Jesus who hung on tree who was beaten and bloodied and insulted in my place, I don't want to look in that man's eyes and say with deeds and actions that He wasn't worth it to me. I want to collapse in His arms, into His being and give it all. I don't have much, but I want it all to be His.

Every Last Piece

Sometimes, I just feel sad inside. There's not always a clear explanation. But normally it seems to happen when my own brokenness as well as everything I see just seems to become too much. I close my eyes, and I feel like I can see it- all the pain, all the anger, all the confusion, the regret, the emptiness. I taste the bitterness of the world. I feel the disease of humanity run through my veins, down my arms and into my fingertips, through my heart, infiltrating my thoughts, my life. And it hurts. A great sorrow that makes my soul weep and cry and wail. I see the hurt, the confusion, the influence of society imposed on my precious friends that I love so much, on the little children I am constantly around every day, on my community- it surrounds me.

Everywhere I look, I see it and feel it, what is deep beneath the surface.
But I thank Him. Sometimes, I don't even fully understand why. I don't fully understand how such incredible joy could grow in me, could so much as exist in a broken body. I don't understand how truth is able to seep into a mind constantly told lies. I don't understand how Perfection can live within the rubbish, the imperfect.

But it does.

I don't know how You are able to love me. Just having that question breaks me in two. How undeserving am I?
All I know is, I'm a silly girl. I'm incredulously selfish. I say that I want You first, that You are my All in All, but then I turn around and to avoid facing my pain over the lost, the sick, the hurt, the Suffers, I pick some other life style choice, even if only for a minute.

How often are we all stubborn enough to think we can live two lives, unwilling to give up our distractions for His glory? And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of this half-ass crap. I'm tired of seeing it, of partaking in it, and of remaining silent. The world tells us lies. God speaks truth. It is very simple. Who are we listening too? And are we willing to face the answer to that question. Because, I think by our nature, we don't want to. It is a conscious choice. We say no. The rest of the world can balance life. Why can't we? But there is no damn balance. There is God. And there is what is not of Him. We cannot have both, because the God who designed us, who went to Hell and back, who gave up everything does not want a meager part of who He created. That would be like a potter settling for a broken piece of the jar. How the hell will He put back together what was broken if He only has one of the pieces? No, He asks for more. Grace is a free gift. But it will cost you everything, because He wants you.  Every last piece of you. Do not settle for giving Him a bit of your heart and selling out to the rest of what a fallen world says. You are worth so much more than that! God says you are worth being fully restored, fully put back together, fully Loved. And the world cannot love you. It will devour you. And that is the truth. The world is false. It isn't true reality. It is trap. And until we can admit that, we will remain attached to it. A time is coming when we will no longer have to look around and break at the sight of all the devastation. But we have to remember to let go of it. Because God calls us to more. We are aliens in a foreign land. I don't want to end up making this my home just because I get tired of waiting. Be in the world, not of it.

I want to live. Not tied to anything or anyone who stakes a claim to this earth. I am free. It's time to stop acting like a slave. So screw you Satan.
You're worth more. Whatever you are thinking, wherever you are, whoever you think you are, you are worth more. You are worth everything.