The Middle

     I know I can probably overwhelm social media with mostly things about my faith, but I'm having a moment right now. 

     People who claim to know Christ always talk about this moment, this moment where they chose to believe it all, this moment where they chose Him. I never felt like I had that. I never felt like I was able to choose to believe that I have a God who created me. But I do get to choose to believe that He loves me. And I do get to choose Him. I can't choose to believe in Him, not anymore. I would be lying to myself and to truth if I said that. But I do get to choose to follow Him. It's Him or the world. There is no room for middle ground. I don't get to choose to follow Him on Sundays or when I'm happy or sad or when I need something, and then turn around and go and have an affair with a world that promises instant gratification and temporary happiness. That's not choosing my God. That's choosing cowardice, too afraid to give it all, to afraid to embrace an unknown freedom, to afraid that it won't be worth it. 

     We live in a world addicted to The Middle. We live in a time and a place that says we can have it all. We live in culture afraid to be decisive, which really means afraid to be wrong in the midst of the unknown mysteries that we all must face. So we are drawn to The Middle, to attempting to uphold our worldly existence while acknowledging some sense of Spirit. The Middle is a dangerous place to get stuck in. It is a state of comfort for those afraid of commitment. The problem is, at the end of it all, The Middle doesn't truly exist. It is a space we have created to make sense of our choices, our desires, our lives. But that's just it- empty space.

     I turn my back on the only God who has ever loved me and the only love that has ever mattered.  We say grace is this free gift. But, I don't think that gives the right impression. We cannot earn grace. We cannot buy it with good deeds or sacrifices or possessions or even our lives. We weren't enough to purchase Grace. We needed a perfect sacrifice, somebody who was worth it to pay the price, somebody who the world couldn't touch and taint with it's brokenness and lies.  In that sense, I suppose it is free. But, I think a more accurate description is that Grace is a gift of Freedom. And if you accept it, it will cost you everything. 

     I'm still learning how to give up my love affair with the world. I'm still learning how to resist The Middle, but I want Jesus to have it all, because I don't want to look in the face of my Savior at the end of my life, of the Jesus who hung on tree who was beaten and bloodied and insulted in my place, I don't want to look in that man's eyes and say with deeds and actions that He wasn't worth it to me. I want to collapse in His arms, into His being and give it all. I don't have much, but I want it all to be His.