The B.S. Christian- A Rant on Grace, or Lack There-of

    I have been itching to write for a while now. I feel as though over the past week, my brain has been overwhelmed with convictions. It's to the point where I honestly don't know what to write. I don't even know what the Father wants me to say. So, I'm just going to start typing and see what happens. Maybe the Father will make some use of the mess of my scrambled thoughts. Lord, speak.
    I have written a lot about brokenness and grace and all that jazz throughout this past summer. And shockingly enough, I don't believe I'm done yet.
    I've been taking a deep look into my life. And what I have found are ample amounts of shame and grief and sin and worry. I need to be honest. I am a complete mess at this point in my life. I literally feel as though I have absolutely nothing together. This is not a cry for pity of any sort. In fact, I think, as much as this sucks, that it is very good. At this moment, I want to completely shatter any false image of me. In fact, I want to break. I want to be nothing. I want to crucify me in all my nature. I want to disappear in the hope that through my shattered frame, Christ can be seen.
    I am an incredible liar. My secret is that once I convince myself, it's not hard to drag the rest of my world along. And I would get away with it too, if it wasn't for that meddling Savior. Much of my life seems driven or rather halted by fear and cowardice. I have this inherent desire to protect a false image of perfection. And though at times I deny the false image, I fall back to protecting it because I long for it to be true. What I mean to say, is that I have no issue admitting that I'm a sinner. After all, as a Christian, that is a requirement of our 'humbled image'. The trick of perfection is remaining within the lines of the 'forgivable sins' (*note the increasing use of sarcastic quotation marks). To look good isn't about doing no wrong. That would be flat out obnoxious and completely unbelievable. No, to look good, you gotta dig up some pride issues, some denial, some doubt. And don't get me wrong- pride and denial and doubt are real. But they are the tip of the surface of an incredibly deep iceberg. Because that's all we can see of anyone. The tip of the iceberg. And funny enough, if there's a surface, we know there's a base. But because we can't see exactly what that is, we as humans completely underestimate how far down and rooted into the ocean of our lives it actually goes.
   I'm so angry. I'm angry with the structure of our society, the lies we all live in ever-so comfortably, but mostly, I'm upset with myself. I claim Jesus as Lord. And yet, I don't understand grace. If I did, wouldn't I live my life in that way? I can talk your ear off about the many knowledgable tidbits of information I have gained over my study of this topic. And I have learned. But man, do I need more practical practice. I have the utmost difficult time accepting grace. I can't forgive myself. I can't move on. A friend gave me the example of a 'camp-out'. I camp out in a rut I dig for myself, staring at the road ahead, and glancing behind, terrified, not moving, simply sitting. I begin to build walls around me, guarding myself from grace, hindering my ability to move, created barriers of excuses to stay in my comfortable but completely unsatisfying fortress. There are two roads- the wrong path and right. The problem is, I know not to enter the wrong path, but the right is terrifying and filled with scary, uncomfortable fears I need to face. The wrong path looks so much easier and inviting. So instead of choosing, I give in to indecisiveness and become immobile. And the longer I sit in disobedience, the harder my heart and mind become, and slowly, my flesh turns to stone.
    It doesn't make much sense, does it? You see, I see myself. I live with myself. I chose wrong things frequently. And I hate some of my choices. And, though I despise admitting it, or admitting any type of weakness, many times I have found my hatred of sin to reach the sinner inside of me. I know Christ already paid the price. I don't have to ask to be forgiven. He's already done that. It was finished long ago. But I know I deserve Hell. And I know that far to frequently, I sin and ignore God, or avoid Him or even consciously disobey what I am told. Therefore, I act in a way that denies a lifestyle of gratefulness to my Father. And it cause an intense shame, and deep seeded pain, that I allow to rule over my life because that is easier to accept than an undeserved act of love.
   I say this all the time, and for good reason- I need Christ to know Christ. I need His love to be loved. I literally can do nothing, even accept a free freaking gift, on my own.
    At this point in my life, I feel the Father tugging on my heart. He is telling me it time to heal. It is time to allow Him to annihilate the feebly constructed walls around my soul. It is time to stop trying to do things to be 'perfect'. And it is time to move with Him. You see, my definition of perfection has been horribly misconstrued. I have made it to be a mere image, seen by the eyes of men and women that surround me. In my mind, I have made perfection worldly. I have said that it is looking good enough. But the Father, He is whispering into the innermost depth of my being, "Beloved".  He says I am perfection in His perfect eyes, created that way, and restored by Him into who He intended me to be. I already have perfection. Love-that messy, beautiful, indescribable, healing God-Love is my perfection.
    I am at a beautiful place in my life. I am finally able to see that and I praise my God. I am so intensely aware of my brokenness. There isn't much room for pride at the moment. I'm at a position where I am completely aware of my utter dependence on my God. My need for Him is not something that ever increases or decreases. However, my knowledge of that need is another matter entirely.
    We are all told frequently that we need to always be improving ourselves, always working towards a goal, always striving to be better. And I have come to realize that this mentality is a lie and trick, fed to us by a nasty piece of work, the work of the Great Deceiver, the Accuser, The King of Hatred.         Improvement is not bad or wrong. Of course not! However, the "you are not enough, you need to earn perfection and God, you need to do more", that mindset and heart-set is not what the Father speaks. No, He says, "You are accepted. You can do nothing to earn my love. I have taken mercy on your souls so to save you from what you deserve, and in my undeniable love for you, I have lavished my grace upon my One and Only Son, on the cross, over my world, over my beloved children. I have poured out an underserved gift upon you. I promise to never leave you where you're at. Trust me. Do not limit my love. Accept it as I have accepted you."
    I have been making all of these plans to change my life for the better. You want to know how often these plans work out for me? How often they fill me up spiritually? I'll give you a hint- it's the lowest of the low. Recently, my big quest has been discipline. I suck at being disciplined. It is an unreliable part of me, something that affects nearly every aspect of my life, and something that causes deep shame and grief and pain that manifests itself in many different ways and sins and disobedient tendencies. And I have always blamed my lack of improvement on my need of discipline to actually be able to work on discipline. The real issue is that I'm not going to get better in a day, that I wouldn't get better at all unless the Spirit works and moves and transforms me. This is a heart issue. I can't fix that. And that is so damn frustrating!!!
    That is literally only one of many examples in my life. And the thought of me needing to fix them all is so overwhelming that I normally end up crying. And that's because the pressure is too great. I'm not supposed to fix them all. I am to remember that God loves me exactly where I'm at, and He PROMISES not to leave me there. I only need to have faith. He will accomplish His plan. And His will, well, that will be done!
    I forget or maybe don't fully understand that I no longer have to play the part of a slave. I am not a slave to sin any longer. I have freedom to be a servant. A servant of Christ, of True Life, of Love. The funny thing is, I don't always know how to live in freedom. It scares me. But so does everything! God, give me strength!
    When it comes to grace, the greatest fear is judgment. We are afraid of admitting and confessing the extent of our brokenness and weakness and need, because we are afraid of letting others down, of the cruel stares we may receive, the lack of compassion, and the string of judgments. Why do we so intensely fear the opinions of mere man? Perhaps it's because we know our own thoughts. Perhaps we show a lack of grace in our own lives. Or even worse, a limited grace. We forgive and accept the societally forgivable. But when it comes to the taboos and grimy dirt, we all the sudden stick our noses in the air and act as though we above such lowly things. And, excuse the language, but that's a load of bull shit. I'm so sick of the pristine image we have given to the manmade creation of the "perfect Christian". It's disgusting and completely in contradiction to the very character of our Redeemer. He loved and took compassion on the very lowest of society. He loved prostitutes, the lame, the lepers, the sick, the tax-collectors, the children. This was the lowest caste in that culture. And He proves in that love, that no one earns His favor or grace. It. Is. Given. For goodness sake, He went and hung out will scum of society. He went and hung out with who the world condemned. And we (I'm including myself) think we have some right to grace because we aren't that bad?! Like, what the Hell! Or rather, if we are that bad, we hide it. Well, one thing I have discovered: I would much rather be the prostitute thrown into the street and picked up by Jesus than some masked sinner pretending in worldly perfection. I'm not above grace. I'm not above scum of the earth. I am one. And I want to receive love like one. Freely. Without condemnation. And I'm going to love. Because He enables me to do so. With grace. I suppose, I should start with myself.

John 8:1-11

At dawn Jesus appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”